Party like it’s 2010

Saturday 5th September 2015 @ 1:01 pm : thebitchwascrazy : 0 Comments :

I mean, it would be a terrible party. Because the reason it’s like 2010 is that was the last time I experienced this much stress.

Seriously. Terrible party.

You would think that someone with the level of anxiety and depression that I experience would be an old hand at stress, but you would be wrong. They are totally different beasts. Anxiety and depression are my brain’s default settings. Stress is their response to outside stimulus.

When things start happening that require me to work to deadlines, or make multiple phonecalls, or just turn up to things over and over again even when the best thing for my mental health would be to not interact with the world – well, each thing makes my stress levels rise a tiny increment. Often there is enough time between each of these things that the stress of one thing goes away before the next thing happens. But the last two months have not been spacing stressful things out considerately, and so now I am stressed.

Which, actually, would be fine if it didn’t effect anyone but me, but it doesn’t. The more stressed I am the less control I have over my temper (I live with a strangle hold on my truly horrible, awful temper every single day. I don’t get angry any more because a) I do not want to make people cry, and b) I am over 18 and can be arrested for punching people in the throat now), so things sort of bleed over. I get snappy and irritable, and then that escalates to throwing things, which escalates to me punching people, which is just bad for all of us.

It sucks because the only way to stop it once it’s started is to stop doing ANYTHING for a while. For 1-4 weeks I have to just do nothing, say nothing, see no one if my brain doesn’t really want to. It requires self-awareness and selfishness, neither of which I am accomplished at (I have this driving need to HELP PEOPLE and not LET PEOPLE DOWN even when it’s to my own detriment and I CAN’T STOP DOING IT).

So, instead, I will do what I always do: carry on as normal until I have a breakdown and am FORCED to stop Doing Things by family, and people with medical training.

(Coping mechanisms? What coping mechanisms? Your FACE is a coping mechanism.)

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