i just have a lot of feelings about dinosaurs, okay?

Tuesday 23rd June 2015 @ 1:02 am : Rants : 0 Comments :

(This started off as a comment on Fred’s Jurassic World review on The Movie Notebook… I now realise that it got totally out of hand so I am posting it here instead. Some of this will not makes sense unless you’ve read his review, so maybe do that first. Since he wrote an actual “review” and I just shouted at a computer screen for two entire pages… #sorrynotsorry)

ALSO

THIS

CONTAINS

SPOILERS

That’s is, that’s your warning.

Before I go on to fucking shred the film, it should be stated that I enjoyed it enough for my first post-film comment to be: “My new life goal is to be a dinosaur fight choreographer.” And for a film that had as many goddamn problems as Jurassic World did that’s saying something.

SO.

1. The dialogue & character interactions felt like someone wrote a particularly unspecific algorithym for an action movie script plugged in the character names and relationships, and then added the words “dinos” “Raptors” etc in at strategic points. It was fucking terrible to the point that my sister who doesn’t often read for fun and doesn’t really like to think critically about media went on a rant about it. I cannot stress how badly written the humans in it were. Like, Claire is set up to be a highly capable executive-type character who thinks more about spreadsheets and stocks than other people (my kind of woman, let’s be fair), who is then thrown into a situation COMPLETLEY OUTSIDE any life experience she had probably ever had and proceeds to be thoroughly badass at THAT TOO. To the point that she literally saves the life of the “hero” and then comes up with and executes the plan that saves the day. Owen, on the other hand, is the emotional one: he connects with dangerous fucking animals through body language and tone and he cares about his raptors as much as he cares about other people. So it is thoroughly out of character for Claire to be the one crying over a dead dino- fuck that, it’s Owen who should be shedding a single manly tear over the death of creatures that he respects.

1a. The dinosaurs had better and more consistent characterisation and emotional arcs than any of the human characters. I am ALL HERE FOR THAT SHIT. The next one better be all dinos, all the time. Fuck those humans. DINOSAURS IN SPACE. Ahem.

1b. CLAIRE. I LOVE HER. She spends most of the film having her life choices invalidated (“When, not if” FUCK OFF), being belittled (“that’s why you and I never had a second date”) and pretty much all-around being shat on for being good at her goddamn job (too many to quote) to the point that after she SAVES THE “HERO”s life and he kisses her someone sitting behind me went “SHE DOESN’T DESERVE HIM” (fuck you too, sir). SHE’S THE ONE WHO FIGURED OUT HOW TO BEAT THE BIG BAD DINO, OKAY? SHE PUT HERSELF INFRONT OF A T-REX AND SAVED THE DAY. Owen was pretty much useless compared to her and- And, I just- I can’t- I love her, okay? You deserved better, Claire. Especially better shoes.

1c. The real romance in this film was Owen/Blue and no one is going to convince me otherwise. I bet he has a RAPTOR SQUAD 4 LYFE tattoo somewhere embarrassing.

2. REPRESENTATION MATTERS. This is one of those “this is the hill I choose to die on” things, because: representation matters, people getting to see themselves reflected in the media MATTERS (like, it has been scientifically proven that non-white and non-male children have better self-esteem and are less prone to depression when they see “people like them” represented). HOWEVER. If you are going to kill a full FIFTY PERCENT of your non-white male characters (of course I counted), and FOURTY PERCENT of your white female characters (going up to fifty percent if you discount the mom), it’s probably for the best that they don’t have any non-white female characters because I would fucking hate to see how they fare. And, yes, I am aware that many white male characters died but almost every other character was a white male so your percentage there would be like ten percent? Maybe? If I was willing to have a rage-induced embolism I’d watch it again and keep count, but i’m not so someone else can do that). Basically, if you are going to do that, just: don’t. If you can’t treat your PoC and women the same as you do your white men then frankly I would prefer that you just not include them at all. Be better, Hollywood, it’s fucking 2015 already. (We wouldn’t be having this problem if they had just gone with me “all dinos, all the time” idea… Call me, Hollywood!)

2a. Pterodactyls. Totally with you on that one. When you don’t even kill the UNAMBIGUOUSLY EVIL character that gratuitously, you gotta ask: dudes, why you hate women so fucking much? Jesus christ. Get some therapy. Etc, etc.

2ai. That entire problem and more could have been solved by not making the military dudes with the FUCKING GATLING GUN so FUCKING USELESS.

3. What kind of space-age mother fucking batteries were in those 20-year-old night vis goggles? I can get behind a kid who knows his way around an engine being able to revive a 20-year-old Jeep, because that is basically what they were made for, but fuck. I leave batteries in my game boy for six months and they fucking melt. No. THERE NEEDS TO BE SOME SORT OF LOGIC HERE. SUCH BAD WRITING. Someone needs to round up the writers of this and hit them with a rolled-up magazine until they learn to WRITE BETTER.

3a. Whoever thought that the line “We stick together. For survival” was a decent line, let alone a good way to END THE FUCKING FILM needs to be taken out to the back of the lot and shot. Not necessarily fatally, but definitely shot. That entire “reunion” scene should have been scrapped. End with the raptor running off after the t-rex, cut to the t-rex roaring over the abandoned park. You could maybe insert some news-type footage about the disaster in between, but seriously. (I am super mad about the terrible quality of the writing in this film. You may have noticed.)

4. I want a grown-ups dino petting zoo. I WANNA RIDE THE DINOSAUR. WHY DO THE KIDS GET TO HAVE ALL THE FUN, HUH?

5. Whoever decided that people should be able to control those gyro-ball thingies themselves was basically asking for something like that to happen. Never trust the general public with anything. Ask anyone who has ever worked retail. STEP IT UP, HOLLYWOOD. God.

6. “God creates dinosaurs. God destroys dinosaurs. God creates man. Man destroys God. Man creates dinosaurs.”
“Dinosaurs eat man, woman inherits the earth.”
If the next film isn’t DINOS IN SPACE (“Jurassic Universe”) then it should absolutely be a future in which women and dinosaurs are peacefully co-existing, led by Claire, Blue and the T-Rex. Chris Pratt can be just a sweaty and dirty as he was in this film, only shirtless. And he is the exhibit. Shut up and take my money, Hollywood.

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