5 mins #1

Wednesday 14th October 2015 @ 10:16 am : Tumblr : 0 Comments :



After 5 mins:


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Wednesday 14th October 2015 @ 10:15 am : Tumblr : 0 Comments :

So right now the state of my flat can only be described as “Bad”. Like, so bad that none of the before & afters on ufyh Tumblr even come close. This is what three months of depression, anxiety and ASD without outside help ends up looking like. Mum is coming on Saturday to do the kitchen so I am going to do what ufyh recommends when you have physical and mental health limitations and set a timer for 5 minutes every time I finish a nin-cleaning thing. Watched an episode of leverage? 5 mins. Finished a 300-stitch round of shawl knitting? 5 mins! I plan to take more photos after each one so that I can see the progress.






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Party like it’s 2010

Saturday 5th September 2015 @ 1:01 pm : thebitchwascrazy : 0 Comments :

I mean, it would be a terrible party. Because the reason it’s like 2010 is that was the last time I experienced this much stress.

Seriously. Terrible party.

You would think that someone with the level of anxiety and depression that I experience would be an old hand at stress, but you would be wrong. They are totally different beasts. Anxiety and depression are my brain’s default settings. Stress is their response to outside stimulus.

When things start happening that require me to work to deadlines, or make multiple phonecalls, or just turn up to things over and over again even when the best thing for my mental health would be to not interact with the world – well, each thing makes my stress levels rise a tiny increment. Often there is enough time between each of these things that the stress of one thing goes away before the next thing happens. But the last two months have not been spacing stressful things out considerately, and so now I am stressed.

Which, actually, would be fine if it didn’t effect anyone but me, but it doesn’t. The more stressed I am the less control I have over my temper (I live with a strangle hold on my truly horrible, awful temper every single day. I don’t get angry any more because a) I do not want to make people cry, and b) I am over 18 and can be arrested for punching people in the throat now), so things sort of bleed over. I get snappy and irritable, and then that escalates to throwing things, which escalates to me punching people, which is just bad for all of us.

It sucks because the only way to stop it once it’s started is to stop doing ANYTHING for a while. For 1-4 weeks I have to just do nothing, say nothing, see no one if my brain doesn’t really want to. It requires self-awareness and selfishness, neither of which I am accomplished at (I have this driving need to HELP PEOPLE and not LET PEOPLE DOWN even when it’s to my own detriment and I CAN’T STOP DOING IT).

So, instead, I will do what I always do: carry on as normal until I have a breakdown and am FORCED to stop Doing Things by family, and people with medical training.

(Coping mechanisms? What coping mechanisms? Your FACE is a coping mechanism.)

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Friday 6th December 2013 @ 11:09 am : Tumblr : 0 Comments :

The last six hours of my life have involved me rolling around my bed, laying on the floor, standing, sitting, stretching, breathing deeply, and googling ‘beta blocker overdose’.

Yes, it’s panic attack time again! This one seems to be in for the long haul (after not having any for so long I think my body has been saving up) because SIX HOURS.

Also, I do not have panic attacks like most people do thanks to my most excellent drug cocktail. I get the physical symptoms without the emotions, and it turns out that this SUCKS. I get muscle cramps, difficulty breathing (because my diaphragm and the muscles around my ribs are locked solid), sweating, etc. 

It hurts a lot. And coping with that much pain and adrenaline is exhausting.

Today none of my usual remedies are working, tea (my go-to fixer) has angered my body, and I am getting so anxious about missing college that it’s getting worse instead of better.

I am trying to focus on the positive things, like that there are plans to resolve the conflict that is causing this, but oh. I would like it to stop now please.

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What you SHOULD say to people dealing with any of these

Friday 12th July 2013 @ 10:28 am : Tumblr : 0 Comments :

Possible trigger warnings for FUCKING EVERYTHING. I am serious. I am not reblogging this for the original content (because it is prettymuch all bad and wrong and who the fuck wrote this I mean seriously?) but for gyzym’s reaction which is 100% correct. This is not really a post for the people DEALING WITH any of these issues, it is for people who aren’t but who might perpetuate these shit reactions either on purpose (because they read something like this and think that it’s right) or by accident (because they don’t know any better – well, read this and you’ll have a damn good idea). 



Anxiety: This too shall pass, even if that sounds corny and cliche. Your anxiety will subside, you are not dying, you will not die from this, everything is going to be fine. Keep taking deep breaths, try and stay focused.

Depression: You are valid and your emotions are valid. You are a good, strong person, even if you don’t feel like you are right now. Things DO get better, and I know you can get through this.

Sexual Orientation: Your body, your life, your bedroom. You choose what you do with it, and I get no say in the matter, because I am not you. I’ll respect you no matter what.

Bipolar: The sun also rises. For all your bad days, weeks, or longer— you also have good ones just beyond the horizon. You know better than anyone what it means to finally hit those “highs" in your life, and I hope that you just keep growing and strengthening yourself through your treatment to extend those happy moments.

Self harm: This is your body and I’ll never pass judgement over you for the things you choose to do with it. However, you should really consider speaking with a counselor about this. Not because you’re “bad", but because I just want you to be safe.

Eating disorders: It’s okay to eat, you have permission. Eating will not make you fat, ugly, or worthless. Eating will make you strong, healthy, and lively. You deserve to eat, you deserve happiness.

Abuse: What they did was wrong, and you had no consenting part in it. You have no need to feel guilty or shamed, although I understand that may be exactly how you are feeling right now. They’re the ones at fault here, and the ball is entirely in your court if you choose to report them for that, which you are rightfully entitled to do.

Suicide: Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. You are valuable and your existence is valuable. There are billions of people on this planet, and even if you think everyone hates you and no one cares, they do and they will. You can find so many friends and loved ones if you just allow yourself the time to look for them. The world turns out to be a beautiful place and you deserve to be alive to see that.

Sexual assault: What they did was vile and disgusting. Yes, you’re now left with this horrible, traumatic event to move on from, but your life is not entirely lost. Recovery is possible, and an unfortunately large number of people have to go through that— but they make it to the other side. So can you, you can do this. You’re not dirty, you’re not a “slut" or a “whore", you are a human being whose rights were violated. But you are strong, and I know you can move past this in due time.

Multiple Personality Disorder: I’ll always love you no matter who you are. I only hope the absolute best for you during your recovery and treatment, and maybe one day I’ll be so privileged as to love you as one whole.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: The pain of suddenly reliving horrific events is almost unimaginable for me. Please try and remember that although it feels like it’s real and it’s happening right now, that it’s not. You are okay, you are fine, and you are safe. You are in the present here and now, and that past can’t manifest itself again to come and physically hurt you. Everything is just fine, these feelings will pass and you’re going to be okay.

Schizophrenia: I am real and I can promise you that. I care. Try and find something grounding for you, an object that you can cling to to help you distinguish between whether or not you’re hallucinating. You are not a freak, you are not a monster. You’re a human being with rights and emotions who happens to be ill right now.

UH. I mean, I can’t and am not going to speak to all of these, and obviously every one of these things manifests different from person to person, and of course I’m sure that whoever the source is (the one linked up there is what came up when I converted the post from chat to text format, but tumblr being tumblr, who knows), but WOW SOME OF THIS IS WRONG. LIKE. DANGEROUSLY INCORRECT. LIKE. OH MY GOD??

It’s never a good idea to suggest to a sexual assault survivor that their life isn’t “entirely lost,“ because of their assault — it suggests that their life part of their life is lost, and it fucking isn’t, at all, even slightly. It’s never a good idea to talk at (not to, suggesting they brought it up first, but at, as this post suggests you do) a sexual assault survivor about how vile, disgusting, horrible, or traumatic their assault was — you run the risk of making them feel vile or disgusting and the risk of triggering them, and also? Unless you were there, being assaulted along with them? You have NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT. The most important thing you can do with a survivor of sexual assault or rape is let them take the reins, give them choices, ask them what they want. What happened to them was a fundamental loss of control; don’t be someone else who takes control away from them. And don’t touch them unless they ask you to. Seriously. Fucking don’t. 

It’s never a good idea to tell someone with PTSD “the pain of suddenly reliving deeply traumatic events is almost unimaginable to me” — first of all, someone else’s PTSD is not ABOUT you, and secondly, again, unless you were there with the person in question for the event in question, THE EXPERIENCE OF THEIR TRAUMA AND THE PAIN OF RELIEVING IT IS ENTIRELY UNIMAGINABLE TO YOU. It’s not necessarily a bad idea to try to ground someone with PTSD in the present moment if they are dissociating/losing time/having a flashback, but a pontificating speech about how “You are in the present and the past can’t come back" is absolutely useless to someone who is manifesting the symptom of NOT KNOWING WHEN THEY ARE, OH MY GOD!! Specifics. Are. Required. “It is [time] on [Month/Day/Year] and you are in [location].“ And don’t touch them unless they ask you to. Seeeeeriously. Fucking don’t. 

Eating disorders, oh my god — this is all terrible shit to say to someone with an ED, like, please don’t. First of all, “Eating will not make you fat, ugly, or worthless,” no, stop, you shouldn’t be suggesting that having a certain body type is a bad thing to anyone let alone someone with an eating disorder, YOU SHOULDN’T BE GROUPING THE WORD FAT WITH THE WORDS UGLY AND WORTHLESS TO ANYONE LET ALONE SOMEONE WITH AN EATING DISORDER. STIGMATIZING FATNESS IS NEVER OKAY AND IT’S ESPECIALLY NOT OKAY IN THIS CONTEXT!! DON’T. DO. THAT. JESUS. Secondly, for real: do you think that saying “It’s okay to eat,“ to people with EDs is going to magically change their relationships with food and eating? Do you think that “You have permission to eat,” is going to do anything but play into the idea that food is some kind of earned reward? Do you think EDs featuring in self-starvation are the only kind of EDs there are? Do you think people with EDs aren’t aware that human beings need food to survive? Because if you do you are wrong, like wildly wrong, like all that shit is incorrect to the point that you definitely should not be advising other people on how to talk to people with EDs about EDs, dear god. But here is a good idea if you know someone with an eating disorder: ASK. THEM. WHAT. THEY. NEED. FROM. YOU. ON. THIS. TOPIC. And then! Do that! Like. Just.

Which, actually, HEY-O, allow me to get to the important point here which is that hey hi you, yes you, reading this post, if you are dealing with someone who is not your medical patient with any of these issues — if you are dealing with someoneone who has one of these issues who has not entrusted themselves to you, or been entrusted to you by someone with the legal power to do so, in order to receive your professional medical care — then there is one thing you always do, and only one. When someone says to you, “I have/am dealing with/have dealt with [x item on this list],“ you say to them — either in that moment or the next moment you feel they are calm or lucid enough to answer you — you say to them, “What, if anything, can I do or say to helpful in a time of crisis?” AND THEN YOU DO. WHAT THEY TELL YOU TO DO. People living with depression, with anxiety, with PTSD, with eating disorders, people with conditions like dissociative identity disorder  or schizophrenia, people who have survived abuse and assault: they are living. With their shit. Living with it, okay, as in their shit is their roommate inside their own brain, it is with them all day every day and they know it better than you. Learn that. Know that. Respect that. 

If you suspect someone is in danger of harming or killing themselves, contact professionals immediately. If you believe someone needs help beyond what you are able to offer, offer your assistance in helping them track that sort of aid down. Otherwise? Ask them what they need and then shut the fuck up and listen to them. They may not know what they need (in which case, you may want to go to a professional and ask their advice)! They may direct you to someone else who knows what they need (in which case, away to that person you should go)! They may tell you they don’t need anything from you (which you will have to accept)! But I guaran-fucking-tee you that saying, “What can I do to be helpful,“ is more helpful than most of the shit on this list, some of which is actively harmful. Just. Christ. 

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Tuesday 11th September 2012 @ 12:23 pm : Tumblr : 0 Comments :

SO far today I have been so anxious that I haven’t been able to:

All of these are things that I need to do today, and I haven’t been able to yet, even though it’s already after one pm.

Today I am a sad panda. And hungry.

ETA: I did a thing! None of the rest of the things, and one of the least important, but still. THING.

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Caffeine-free faux punk fatigue: okay, so I’m going to talk a little bit about anxiety

Friday 26th November 2010 @ 12:29 am : Tumblr : 0 Comments :

Caffeine-free faux punk fatigue: okay, so I’m going to talk a little bit about anxiety

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