Surprise! After nine years of being a depressed robot, I finally am having something close to normal human feelings again!
I do not like it. Make them go away.
Because I have a crush on someone! One of the really, really bad ones where it hurts in my chest all the time. And we’re both autistic! If she was alistic I would be pretty sure that she likes me, too, but I can’t be sure, because we don’t follow alistic patterns of behaviour!
Plus, y’know, I really really like her, and I’m so afraid that if I ask her out and she says no that it will screw that up, even though a great deal of my angst is over the actual NOT KNOWING, and if I got turned down and we could both continue as if nothing happened then I would be FINE. VERY QUICKLY. But people get weird about you having unreciprocated feelings for them, so ARGH. If I could NOT HAVE FEELINGS ANY MORE THAT WOULD BE GREAT. (Except there’s that part of my brain pointing out that I’m focusing on all the bad things and if everything went right just this once we could both be really happy! I DON’T THINK I WANT TO BE HAPPY IF BEING HAPPY HURTS THIS MUCH!!)
It’s cool. It’s cool. I’m just gonna go have a panic attack. Everything’s fine. I’m fine. Gah.
Tags: Because sexuality lives to confuse me, feelings, orientation, sexual orientation, sexuality, too many feelings
Tags: And I did buy a flannel shirt recently, And I do feel gayer when wearing said flannel shirt, And straighter days, Because sexuality lives to confuse me, I definitely have gayer days, I mean
My favorite misconception about bisexuality is that bi people are half straight half gay as if I walk around in my straight form but then spot a fine honey and dive behind a bush shouting “I’M GOING GAY” and roll out on the other side with a flannel on and the entire discography of Ani Difranco in my back pocket