Me: If I was me, where would I have put that thing?
Also Me: … Kezza, hate 2 brake ths 2 u bt… u R u…
@branquignole oh that REALLY sucks, I’m sorry 🙁 what good things are going on for you? 🙂
@branquignole oh noooo that sounds horrible. What are you doing that for?
@branquignole greetings! How are yooooou? I’ve been having a twitter break post-trump bc my twitter is just kinda depressing 🙁
Me: huh I wonder why my eyes are so red & itchy
Brain: u forgot that ur allergic to cats again didn’t u
Subject: Thanks for sucking so hard
Yo, what up? Actually, scratch that, I don’t give a shit. You’re an asshole. But! I guess I wanted to thank you for that, bc without you being an asshole to all three of your writing-group ex’s, I wouldn’t have the best girlfriend in the entire world right now. Can you guess who it is? Can you? Hint: It’s the one that you were a total dickhead to.
Wait, no, that doesn’t narrow it down at all.
But, anyway, if you hadn’t treated her like shit then we wouldn’t have got to know each other so well, and we probably wouldn’t be together right now. I mean, I’d hope that the version of us in the alternate universe where you just broke up with her nicely like a real person we would still have got together eventually, because I am so fucking happy right now and I want all parallel universe version of me to be this happy.
Just to make it clear: You are a total cockwomble, and you have no right to claim any sort of ‘oh but it was ok that i behaved like a fucknugget bc something good came out of it’.
We are just very happy together, and it’s not even been 2 weeks but we are already so much better at this relationship shit than you ever were with either of us.
And so, in conclusion: Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.