Surprise! After nine years of being a depressed robot, I finally am having something close to normal human feelings again!
I do not like it. Make them go away.
Because I have a crush on someone! One of the really, really bad ones where it hurts in my chest all the time. And we’re both autistic! If she was alistic I would be pretty sure that she likes me, too, but I can’t be sure, because we don’t follow alistic patterns of behaviour!
Plus, y’know, I really really like her, and I’m so afraid that if I ask her out and she says no that it will screw that up, even though a great deal of my angst is over the actual NOT KNOWING, and if I got turned down and we could both continue as if nothing happened then I would be FINE. VERY QUICKLY. But people get weird about you having unreciprocated feelings for them, so ARGH. If I could NOT HAVE FEELINGS ANY MORE THAT WOULD BE GREAT. (Except there’s that part of my brain pointing out that I’m focusing on all the bad things and if everything went right just this once we could both be really happy! I DON’T THINK I WANT TO BE HAPPY IF BEING HAPPY HURTS THIS MUCH!!)
It’s cool. It’s cool. I’m just gonna go have a panic attack. Everything’s fine. I’m fine. Gah.
Tags: Because sexuality lives to confuse me, feelings, orientation, sexual orientation, sexuality, too many feelings
INSOMNIA! So far tonight I have written 2k+ words of EOS 10 fanfic, drawn a picture for @icestar663, and watched a billion videos of puppies
It is now five minutes past midnight on January 1st. Could you please take your fireworks and your drunk people and put them on silent.